I get mail

I'm not going to deface my blog with
that ugly-but-apt universal troll illustration,
so here's a photo of uber-troll artist Jeff Koons.

Hey, a bona fide troll— my first in four years of blogging. Someone wrote to me to register his displeasure in re: this video of me playing a timing challenge— the purpose of the video was just to document an exercise, but this person was insufficiently entertained. For your amusement, here is our correspondence. Know going into this exchange that a) I don't believe anything he says about him actually being somebody, and b) his amateurishly phrased “criticism” regards perhaps the one area of my playing which I have always been 100% confident.

To: Todd Bishop

From: Han Solo [??? -tb]
Subject: Dude...
Is this you in this video? Doesn't matter how well you're keeping time. Conviction and feel is awkwardly missing.

To: Han Solo

From: Todd Bishop

Subject: Re: Dude...
Hi Han- First, I want to say I've been a fan of yours since I was a was a little kid- what you did in that scene with the T.I.E. fighters was awesome. Yep, that's me. As a professional drummer, it actually does matter how well I keep time. The video isn't meant to be a performance, so I dig that it's not real exciting to watch— sorry if you were misled about what to expect from it. Anyway, thanks for your comment. tb

More after the break if this kind of empty drama interests you:


To: Todd Bishop
From: Han Solo

Subject: Re: Re: Dude...
Your timing was fine but if the dynamics between your limbs are not happening and you're not hitting with any kind of conviction, even while playing soft or with finesse.... whats the point? Its not the part you're playing. Its how you're playing it. I'm looking for someone who can help me get my technique ironed out and my chart reading up to par. Im sure you can read like a madman.. but i question your technique. Vanguard alumni, educator and pro trap guy like you should be able to relate to being so straight forward about it. You are very straight forward about money, scheduling and such. You're not the only pro around here. I'm surprised we have not run into each other on the ships. Im sure we will. Blue Devil for life...

NOTE: If his intent was honest, while reading my bio he would have followed one of the copious links to my recordings, and figured out that there is more to my playing than is on display in that exercise video. But his sole interest is in trolling, so he continues with his Mickey Mouse conviction-and-feel criticism without looking into it. I apologize to the Blue Devils for posting this person's lies about being a member of your organization. 

To: Han Solo
From: Todd Bishop
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Dude...
Great, it sounds like I'm not the teacher you're looking for. Good luck getting those technique and reading issues sorted out before your, ahm, employers catch on. All of the musicians and recording engineers I have ever worked with will have a good laugh at the idea of my playing lacking feel and conviction, so this wasn't entirely a wasted exchange. tb

To: Todd Bishop

From: Han Solo

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Dude...|
They would get a better laugh watching your video demonstrating how to play like a f__ with no feel or conviction. You should grow some b___. It will help keep the dirt out of your v____. 

To: Han Solo

From: Todd Bishop

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Dude...
Why did I ever imagine this discussion would not end like this? Good luck with your chosen career of pretending to be a professional musician anonymously on the internet, but I gotta go to work— what's called a “gig” by legitimate pros— watch out for those TIE fighters, Han— they'll gitcha. tb

NOTE: At this point, things get ugly; he makes some more non-specific claims of actually being somebody, and sends me some pictures of someone playing the drums, along with a picture of the same person doing something with an assault rifle.

To: Todd Bishop
From: Han Solo
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Dude...
Now you're being stupid. I turned pro 28 years ago. And if you think that natural meter video was any kind of groovin... you need to take on some Funk gigs or start dating black chicks or something. I believe i played at the golf club in Lake Oswego a couple years in a row with a sax player who you played with. Pretending to be a professional musician anonymously on the internet? Think again, crumb n__. 

Pink dot is by me. I have no idea if the
person in the photos is actually my troll.  

NOTE: The implicit message of “I'm willing to murder you if you don't respond to my anonymous trolling the way I want” is completely out of left field, like the earlier disproportionate verbal abuse. Until now I've just been having fun with him, dismissing him while letting him know that I know he's a phony, and that his comments means nothing to me, but now we're getting into borderline criminal threats. In my next note I actually engage him, and attempt to draw some information from him in case I need to report him to the FBI:

To: Han Solo

From: Todd Bishop

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Dude...

Sorry, can't view your pictures. [A lie. -tb] You're going to have to give me something a little more specific than you played in a town in Oregon. Surely a man of your accomplishments would have some kind of web presence with your music. Put up or shut up.

At this point he chose to shut up. If he were an actual musician who is just really, really, anti-social, he had every reason to go ahead and identify and prove himself— why not? Since he is a troll, and not the professional he claims to be, I'm not surprised when he doesn't.